Being Judged

Someone asked me today why I’m not in sales. I can tell our company’s story like it was my own. I test the sales team to make sure they are telling it correctly. But I have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to sell our product/service. Why? I don’t like selling. As a matter of fact, it makes me terribly uncomfortable.

However, after further introspection, I realized the reason I have been so uncomfortable. I was FAT, obese, ugly, yukky! I felt like people looked at me and ONLY saw a fat woman who was lazy and should not be taken seriously. How sad.

Now when you read that, I’m sure your first thought was – “No. I wouldn’t have thought that.” But seriously, you know – way down deep in your heart of hearts – that you would. You would jump to conclusions based on someone’s being overweight. I did, and I still do. I don’t like that about myself, and I’m working to get around it, but I have had those thoughts.

Now, maybe (just maybe) I’m imposing feelings on myself that other people aren’t having, but I doubt it. And knowing that people felt that way, made me feel even worse about myself.

Now let me tell you, I know now (and knew then) that I am smart, caring, giving, talented, hard-working, etc. (And yes, mom, I have great hair…..inside joke). But I knew those things in my head. My heart kept reminding me of all the things I wasn’t, and those things were reflected by my obesity.

I’m glad to be relearning things about myself, but isn’t it sad that my confidence was lost somewhere amongst all that fat?

Anyway, enough honesty. I’m growing stronger and I am getting smaller. I am recording some new tapes in my head. AND, I’m starting to like myself again.

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