The words that I would like to use to describe myself this morning – the self talk that is rushing on me like a tsunami – are very destructive. I have gained weight AGAIN. I have taken my mind off the goal AGAIN. I have lost focus AGAIN. I have sabotaged myself AGAIN! What is WRONG with me?
If people say that they are impressed by how strong I am because I have lost so much weight, what does that mean when I don’t? Am I not strong? Are they not impressed? Who am I doing this for? Me? You? Them?
Why am I doing this? To get praise? To impress? To grow in my self confidence? To be strong? What???
I know why I am doing this. I want to return to a healthy place. I want to be around for my kids for a very long time. I want to be able to enjoy life with them, instead of observing them participate in their lives. I want my body to be an acceptable temple for my Father. He is the King, and he deserves so much better than I have been offering.
The praise, the accolades from my friends and family – that’s just gravy. I want to be proud of myself, and I want Abba to be proud.
OK, now I am in tears. I am talking myself through the self defeat. I am going to draw the line in the sand AGAIN. Start over AGAIN.
I’m upset at the time I have wasted, but I’m grateful for the grace that I am going to allow myself.
Kathryn Joyce, I love you. You are worth all the effort and time it takes to make yourself into the most amazing woman you can be. Come out. Be strong. Enjoy today.