I hate this

I am sick to death of the thought of injecting one more shot! Today, I start my 7th week. I only have 41 more to go. Forty-one!!

I hate this. I hate being tired all of the time. I hate that all I do is sleep and work.

I hate that my children have to “make do” while their mom sleeps and vegetates.

I hate that I look fine on the outside, but inside I am miserable.

I hate feeling like I need to present a positive front.

I hate that my hair is thinning. What if I lose it all?

I hate that I have gained weight.

I hate still having the port in my chest, and the constant reminder that there is something foreign in my body.

I hate medical bills.

I hate everybody thinking that I’m so strong, when I would give anything to be young again and safe in the shelter of my parents.

I hate cancer. I hate what it does to people. I hate what it has done to me.

I hate that I feel I must come up with some “positive-ness” to end this post.

This is me, just being real.


Comments on: "I hate this" (14)

  1. Well said and long past due. I hope this brought you some relief. Love you so much.

  2. …Real and we still LOVE LOVE LOVE you!

    Matthew did a self-portrait in art class this week. He put hair on it and then removed it saying, “Bald is awesome!” Know that he prays for you by name.

  3. Honey, you never have to pretend. Just let God be the strong one. I’m praying right now. Love you, Amy

  4. Jill Anderson said:

    And I love you being real! Sending you a hug along with my heartfelt tear. Love you friend! Jill

  5. Todd Malone said:

    I agree with the sentiments expressed before mine. I’m so sorry you have this fight on your hands, Kathy.


  6. Jennifer Spears said:

    Praying for you my dear friend!!!

  7. Kelly Baker said:

    Thanks for being real, Kathy….we love you…and we will keep praying..sure wish you were closer here….;) Brad and Kelly

  8. Donna Stotts said:

    I hate cancer too, and I hate that you’re having to go through it. Know that Randall and I are both praying hard for you and your family.

  9. Rene Larsen said:

    Oh my kindred spirit sister. I hate what you hate. I hate that in this world you will have struggles. And I mostly hate that you feel like you have to be positive. This trial sucks! But it will end. Just think, if you got knocked up right now, you would be birthin a baby about the time the treatment ends. Does that make you feel better or worse? A cheerleader I am not. Love you much and am always praying. Our God is so big, stong and so mighty, there’s nothing My God cannot do. Big hugs and kisses (and snarls and snarkiness)

  10. Lisa Finley said:

    I hate that you are having to go through this too and that you are too far away for me to reach out and hug when you need it! I understand the part about giving yourself injections because I do that too with insulin and finger pricks for blood glucose testing. I am amazed that you have been able to psych yourself up enough to do it every time, knowing what will soon be happening as your body reacts. It’s good to vent and let the frustrations out–I love you whether you are positive and strong or weary and struggling and I’m glad you have a forum to share the reality of life in. Take a deep breath and remember Dori from Finding Nemo (and Becki Hendrix’s imitation of her!) “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…….” Praying for you constantly! 🙂

  11. Sarah Beth Caleb said:

    Amen Sister! Let it out! It may not help much but it’s not doing any good locked up inside. Hate on! Cancer deserves it and God can handle it. Do what you have to do to fight. When you feel too weak, too tired, too angry, too sad, and too confused to even utter a prayer, know that you are still covered by those who love you and are praying continuously. Thanks for being real for those who feel they just can’t.

  12. Hi Kathy. We have a mutual friend in Ginger Sanford Pahl, and she requested prayers for you. So you can add me to that list of prayer warriors fighting the battle with you. You have every right to “hate” all the things in your post, and every right to be sad. Count on the fact that God is all powerful and can heal all hurts, and take one day at a time.

  13. Linda Wissman said:

    You are truly being real and honest! I pray that it helped you somehow by just saying how you truly feel. Believe me, none of us reading your blogs would be any stronger about what you’re going through than what you have been. Thanks for being yourself.

  14. Kathy, I have tears in my eyes as I read your blog AND the postings of those who love you! I would so like to be the one who gives you answers and wise words to comfort you. And an internet hug & the words ‘I love you’ just don’t seem to be enough. Please know that Janet & I care for you and we will pray for you and for your family. I’ll leave you with this….nothing, absolutely nothing, can separate you from the love of God!

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