Archive for January, 2012

A Good Piece of Advice

If you have been following the last few posts, or if you have seen me recently, you should have a good idea of just how insane I have felt. I sat in church Sunday, hugging myself and rocking back and forth, willing the time to pass more quickly so I could go home and go back to sleep. Literally, I don’t know when my anxiety level has been higher – at least on a physical sense. Now, hold that thought for a little background info.

I have a friend who has gotten a small handgun that she now carries with her. She has told me on several occasions how much stress relief she gets when she goes to the shooting range. Also, Nathan and his friend, Sean, have become obsessed with Call of Duty, Battlefield, and other crazy Xbox games that involve lots of guns. Sorry if you think that makes me a terrible mom.

Over the last several months, I have been thinking that I might like to carry a small handgun so I could learn how to shoot and have another option for relieving some stress. STRESS RELIEF – that is all.

Now, flip back to the last couple of weeks. My children have been living with a crazy woman! One who is high strung, irritable, depressed, running the gamut of emotions.

So, Nathan comes into the room where I was watching television, sits next to me, and says: “Mom, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get a gun right now. You’re a little too high strung.” Seriously? This kid thinks that I, in my current mental state, might be a bit dangerous with a gun???

No biggie, he and I decided we would go outside with his AirSoft guns and shoot at some coke cans.

I’m glad he cares so much.

Some things don’t help

I am hesitant to post something that I wrote on Saturday afternoon, but I promised myself – when I started this blog – that I would be completely honest. I preface all of this with the mention that my mind and emotions have been under great trial over the last several weeks. It all came to a head this weekend (at least I hope it can’t get any worse) when I felt that peeling the skin off of my arms MIGHT have provided some relief. Fortunately, this afternoon, I meet with the doctor.

Please forgive me if I offend.

All of my life I’ve heard people who have gone through various trials talk about what people say in an attempt to help, that most of the time doesn’t help at all. I think I understood that it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say, or that you think of me often, or wish there was something you could do.

But here are some things that DO NOT HELP; and again, I am sorry if these hurt anyone’s feelings. Writing in complete and total honesty is a real release of the pent up junk in my head.

Just because you have a relative, an aunt, a friend, a daughter, a spouse that has experienced cancer or taken interferons and you want to share your horror story with me, it doesn’t make you empathetic. You can’t know how I am feeling. Right now, I don’t want to know about other people’s past trials. I’m barely making it with my own junk.

I am dealing with one year of cancer treatments, with side effects of anxiety, depression, EXTREME fatigue, and nausea. I must still work, full time, to support my family. I have two teenage children. I internalize everything – meaning that I see this whole thing as a failure somehow on my part. On an intellectual level, I know it’s not, but I am the only person in my family who can hold us together and make our household move forward.

I will get through this. We will all get through this, but it only by God’s grace and His righteous right hand that holds me up.

Thanks for the continued prayers. But, please, keep your horror stories to yourself – unless, of course, I ask.

Depression and Anxiety

I think the one side effect of my interferons that my doctor is most worried about is depression and anxiety. Back in October, the doctor put me on a small dose of meds that made the world of difference. However, she did caution that my body would level out and that I would probably need an increased dose.

About four weeks ago, I could feel myself slipping, but I didn’t immediately make an appointment. I continued to slide, and I finally broke down and scheduled an appointment. (Yes, Tammy Smith, you can fuss at me. I deserve it.)

Monday can’t get here soon enough.  3:15, Monday, January 30.

This past Monday I called the doctor and asked for an increase in my dosage. NOPE – not until they see me. So, this entire week, I have gotten more and more frustrated, anxious, angry, and discouraged. I will help you realize just how much in a future post.

Pray for my kids. They have to do without 100 percent of their mom. But they are precious and strong kids. Pray for God’s grace to protect them so they are full of confidence.

And please pray that I don’t kill anyone between now and the end of June.

I’ll Never be Alone

The last few weeks have been rough. The depression is once again rearing its ugly head. Doctor’s appointment not until Monday. So this morning, God gave me this song; reminding me I am never alone.  And while I may not understand, there’s a grand purpose for my journey.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to

Thanks, Ginny Owen, for these amazing lyrics.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the amazing promises.

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