I don’t think that how I am feeling (physically) has anything to do with my being prideful; but last night, rereading my post, I was a little ashamed at myself. I’M going to make it. I’M not quitting. I’M not taking a break. I’M pushing through. Well, just when I started feeling a little confident, I was reminded how little control I have in this situation.
Thursday, I started a new round of medicine. Because the standard medicine was on backorder, the pharmacy sent me the medicine in powder form. I’m so goofy; I asked the pharmacist if I was supposed to snort the power. Of course not. They send me a vial of powered medicine and a vile of diluting liquid.
And as has occurred with any change in my treatment (no matter how big or small), my body reacted poorly. I had shots on Thursday and Saturday. Both nights I woke up around 2am – sick as a dog. Here it is Monday, and I’m still feeling bad. Friday, I was honestly just hoping that I had a stomach bug; but nope. Having a repeat reaction on Saturday night was a pretty good indicator that this was the medicine and not a bug.
I have been sick in every way imaginable – ways not fit for publication. Sunday, if I had to rate my sickness on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst, I would have given it a 13. If I had to face this much nausea for the entire process, combined with the depression brought about because of the medicine, I could see how someone might consider suicide. Again, I am NOT in that place mentally. I’m just saying that I’ve been in a pretty ugly place since Thursday night, and am incredibly grateful that it hasn’t been this bad the entire time.
Tonight means another round of shots. I am fearful of the ever-continuing bout with nausea. I will pray, and I will be grateful that it hasn’t been any worse than it has been. And, just so you know, if I do have a repeat of the last two treatments, I’m going to the doctor to make sure that I am administering the new meds correctly. Hopefully, this won’t go on the entire month.
Let us remember that, no matter how bad it is, it’s only temporary. When this is all over, I will be cured of cancer; and God will have given me a wonderful story to share – a story of His faithfulness, His provisions, and His love.
Thank you, my beloved friends, for your faithful prayers and encouragement.