What a week. It’s been like trudging through the mud. I seem to be adapting the shots – still nauseous but not as bad as it was when I first started last Thursday. I’m filled with the strongest urge to cry, and I’m not sure what’s causing it.
Normally, I can get to a low spot, figure out what is wrong, and work through it. But these last few days, I can’t seem to break through. I am sad, but why? The image I long for is to be held and protected by my Heavenly Father, like a mother cradling her baby who has finally found that peaceful place of sleep.
This is not depression, and I am not taking any more medication to work through this. But I don’t have any answers – why I’m feeling this way or how to get out. And please, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t email me your suggestions.
For the last several days I have been listening to a lot of Christian music. And the words have spoken to me with a yearning like I haven’t ever felt. My heart hurts with all the junk here. I’m not sad about myself, I’ll get through this. Of that, I am sure. But so many people are hurting.
I know God is with me. I know he will never forsake me. I know he has a plan. I know he is using me to reach others. I know all of those things. I know the truth. But my heart is hurting, and I’m not sure why or how to move beyond it.
I long to stand before the Father and praise him with reckless abandon. I long to sleep and all the junk to pass me by. I want to feel the peace that only God can give.
I’m afraid that if I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.