I covet your prayers. My patience is running thin as the end draws near. I have nine weeks left (2 shots, 3 times a week). I am getting anxious, but I know I am to seek God through this journey. God says learn from where you are; don’t rush through it, wishing time away. Honestly, the finish line is so close that I often get frustrated.
And, quite frankly, I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!
The last two weeks have been pretty tough. One week, I was dealing with the mental battles that accompany this – the tears finally came. And fell, and fell, and fell. I haven’t cried during this entire ordeal – even when they told me for certain it was cancer. But someone said something that I took the wrong way, and the loneliness and pity took hold.
When you’re feeling like that, the loneliness perpetuates the depression and I make it worse by isolating myself. I didn’t go anywhere or do anything except lie on the couch. As time passed, the painful fog began to lift. One thing I did (that I have never done in my life) was confront the person who hurt me. I knew it wasn’t meant in the manner it was received, but I needed affirmation. My friend needed to know that I was hurt.
Then, last week, I lived through (physically) one of the hardest weeks in a long time. I had to drive back and forth (about 70 miles each way) to teach a training class at our research center. I think I just pushed myself a little too hard. Add choir, Bible study, parenting, etc., and you’ve got one tired little puppy. Thursday, my body gave out. What should have taken a little over an hour (getting home) took a little over two hours.
I stopped four times to be sick and ended up riding down the interstate with a Sonic bag in my lap should I get sick. Absolutely brutal!
I continue to be very grateful for my family. When I got home that evening, I went straight to bed, no questions asked. Hannah, again, took care of the boys – making sure they had dinner. Both of my children have been such servants during this entire ordeal. I am grateful to God for developing in both of them a heart of compassion.
Lastly, God granted me enough strength to go shopping for a prom dress with Hannah. You have to know that I absolutely HATE shopping and that I had just finished a physically demanding week. But God was faithful in providing strength, and Hannah was patient in our journey from one store to the next. Funny thing, we bought the first dress she found. We just had to visit all the other dress stores to make sure. She’s growing up way too quickly.
Sunday brought church, a nice family lunch, and then a four-hour nap. I will be glad to get back to some sense of normalcy. It’s just around the corner, I’m sure of it.
Oncologist appointment on Thursday. More blood work and checking to make sure everything is going well.
When I finish, all the praise will go to God as has done as he promised – He has held me up with His righteous right hand.
Father, I praise you for working in my life, and for allowing me to see how you are using me. I find peace when I can glimpse the situation through your eyes.