Archive for May, 2012

Ever closer to the end – I hope

I got my wires crossed. Two weeks ago, I thought I was wrapping up week 7, but I was finishing up 8. So, when my mom and a friend commented that I was on week 7, I thought I was on week 6. Of course, THEY were wrong. So, I went back and recounted. I was on week 7. Frustrating. Very.

So, now, I’m on week 6. I have 5 weeks and 2 treatments – 17 treatments, 34 shots. This time next week, I’ll only have one month left – June 30 will be my last shot.

You would think that the closer I get to the end, the easier the shots would be. Nope. I literally dread every single shot I give myself. I have to talk myself into each one. I am still experiencing random side effects – nausea, aches, fever, unable to sleep. And I don’t know what to expect from one treatment to the next. It’s almost over. You would think that I would be anticipating the end and ready to finish. I am, but I am becoming very impatient. I want to be done NOW.

I act like this is the worst thing that could ever happen. Complaining and depressed because it’s not over yet. How retarded am I.

A couple of weeks ago, some friends and I went to the Cancer Center to say thank you to the staff there. I took Hannah and let her see the infusion room and meet Dr. Elia and several of the nurses. I still say that it takes an amazing talent to work with cancer victims on a daily basis. Those ladies are amazing.

Dr. Elia was so sweet. She told Hannah that I was her hero, that I have an amazing attitude, AND… when this is over, I will be the first of her patients that has actually completed the entire process. Now I know why each month, she tells me that I can stop if I want. She tells me that it’s okay, if I have had enough. Now I know why. Maybe I wasn’t necessarily supposed to go the entire time – at least in the medical world’s eyes.

But God always has a different plan than man’s plan, doesn’t He? He has given me strength that I couldn’t even imagine. He has given me a support system that I could not have engineered myself. He has given me an army of encouragers. I’ve decided that the best gifts during this past year have been hugs and prayers. It’s very humbling to know that people are praying for you, especially when you are so sick you can hardly do it yourself.

Please continue to pray for me over the next couple of weeks. Satan continues to wage war in my head. I have been having thoughts of fear and doubt as this leg of the journey draws to an end. I’m anticipating clear results, an end to this. But then I think about “what if?” What if the cancer isn’t completely gone? What if I have to do this again?  How do they know? Right now, in the middle of treatments, I know what to expect. But what happens when I finish?

How is God going to use me after this? Waiting, with complete confidence to find out.


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