Today is my last “in treatment” appointment with Dr. Elia. Just another milestone in this incredibly painful, but joyful, journey.
While I am very, incredibly, unbelievable excited for this madness to be over, I have to admit that there is a little tiny spark of fear attacking me. What if it isn’t over? What if it comes back and I have to do this again? What if one of these thousands of moles sparks the cancer again? What if? What if?
In one breath, I say that I couldn’t do this again, yet in the next, I know that God is in control. I would do this again for my children, if nothing else.
Joyce (one of my biggest encouragers, and cancer survivor) says that is normal. For a while, every bump, headache, knot, ache, will have me questioning whether or not it is cancer.
For example, I have a knot in my stomach. Now I know this isn’t cancer because it came up right after one of my shots, and it hurt for several weeks. And, it is getting smaller. As a matter of fact, I have to really poke around to find it. So, do I point it out or not?
If I don’t tell Dr. Elia, it cannot possible be more cancer…right? Seriously, not talking about something doesn’t mean it’s not there. And, again, I remind myself of the One steering this ship.
God knows what is going to happen, but I find myself just begging that this is all over. I want to get on to the next chapter, to be able to use this experience for God’s glory. I really do. I just hope the next chapter is not a continuation of the last 13 months.
Selfish? Maybe, but very honest.