A Spark of Fear

Today is my last “in treatment” appointment with Dr. Elia. Just another milestone in this incredibly painful, but joyful, journey.

While I am very, incredibly, unbelievable excited for this madness to be over, I have to admit that there is a little tiny spark of fear attacking me. What if it isn’t over? What if it comes back and I have to do this again? What if one of these thousands of moles sparks the cancer again? What if? What if?

In one breath, I say that I couldn’t do this again, yet in the next, I know that God is in control. I would do this again for my children, if nothing else.

Joyce (one of my biggest encouragers, and cancer survivor) says that is normal. For a while, every bump, headache, knot, ache, will have me questioning whether or not it is cancer.

For example, I have a knot in my stomach. Now I know this isn’t cancer because it came up right after one of my shots, and it hurt for several weeks. And, it is getting smaller. As a matter of fact, I have to really poke around to find it. So, do I point it out or not?

If I don’t tell Dr. Elia, it cannot possible be more cancer…right? Seriously, not talking about something doesn’t mean it’s not there. And, again, I remind myself of the One steering this ship.

God knows what is going to happen, but I find myself just begging that this is all over. I want to get on to the next chapter, to be able to use this experience for God’s glory. I really do. I just hope the next chapter is not a continuation of the last 13 months.

Selfish? Maybe, but very honest.


Comments on: "A Spark of Fear" (3)

  1. Gina Butterfield said:

    Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Yes, you tell your doctor everything.
    Yes, you trust God with everything. Yes, we love you!

  2. Judy Deeter said:

    I understand your fear. That is the best as I can without being in your shoes. I have been reading the devotional book that you all gave me for Christmas. The words are so comforting and the primary message is that God is ALWAYS walking beside us and holding our hand.

    Love you,


  3. Tammy Smith said:

    To fear is human. To let it go is faith! He’s got you no matter what.
    Love you, Tammy

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